TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE YOUR MOM’S COMING FROM
10. Realize that she’s concerned about your safety and well-being. As a parent, your mom will always be concerned about your well-being. When you have plans to go out with friends, give her your game plan. Tell her who will be with you, where you’ll be, and when she can expect you home.
11. Understand that a lot of what the two of you are going through now is new for your mom, too. When you were younger, your relationship with your mom involved more of a parent/child dynamic. Now that you’re older, your mom’s having to adjust to the fact that you’re becoming your own person.
HELP DEFUSE HOT TOPICS
12. Homework. You want to go out with your girlfriends after school or watch your favorite afternoon soap, and your mom asks the inevitable, “When are you planning to do your homework?” Rather than being vague and responding with “Later,” explain your plan — “I’ll be home at 6, and I plan to read two chapters before dinner.” Or, “I have study hall tomorrow morning, and that’s when I plan to get it done.”
13. Grades. If your mom seems overly concerned about your grades, discuss with her what her idea of an acceptable grade is. If you’re getting good grades, reassure her that you’re doing fine in your classes. If your grades aren’t that great, consider why. Are you motivated? Are you studying hard enough? Do you have trouble understanding the subject matter? Keep her posted, and she’s less likely to pester!
14. Your room. If neatness is an issue, ask if it’s okay to keep your mess confined to your room. Promise that you won’t leave your stuff around the rest of the house.
15. Chores. To keep your mom mellow, create a chart that shows what you need to do and when you expect to have it done. Keep track of your tasks, and she’ll see that you’re committed to completing your chores.
16. Friends. If your mom dislikes your friends or your boyfriend, try to determine what worries her about them. You may be ignoring some serious faults, or she may be blowing certain qualities out of proportion.
17. Sex. If your mom gets upset about the subject of sex, reassure her that you’re aware of the risks and responsibilities that are part of being sexually involved with someone. Be sure to turn to her for advice and information on this subject. Her concern is valid. Unprotected sex can be fatal.
18. Drugs. Reassure your mom that you know drugs are dangerous. Let her know that you are not a drug user. If she knows that you intend to steer clear of alcohol and and drugs, your mom will be less inclined to worry needlessly.
19. Clothes. You want to wear your oversized jeans; your mom hates them. “Parents see children as an extension of themselves, and they may be embarrassed by what you do,” explains Mary Pender Greene, the Director of Group Treatment at the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York City. Try to arrive at a compromise. For example, agree to wear your funkier clothes when you’re with your friends, but not when you’re visiting your grandmother.
20. Money. Negotiate an allowance with your mom. Discuss why you need the money. Come up with a budget for basics (food, school supplies) and extras (CDs, entertainment). If you feel you need more money than your parents are willing to budget for you, consider ways you can add to your income. Look into getting a weekend job or baby-sitting.
MAKE LIFE SMOOTHER
21. Set up clear ground rules with her. To avoid misunderstandings and potential arguments, have guidelines that you agree to adhere to.
22. Be able to say you’re sorry, and admit when you’re wrong. You’ll earn your mom’s respect — and more freedoms — when she sees you taking responsibility for your actions.
23. Realize that struggles are normal. “Part of your fighting is to break away and establish your own identity,” explains Mary Pender Greene. You might not butt heads as much if you look at individual situations and determine if you really disagree with her or you’re just trying to provoke her.
24. Let your parents know what’s going on in you life. “You don’t have to tell them everything,” explains Dr. Brenda Cline, Chief Psychologist of the Philadelphia Child Guidance Center. “But the more they know, the clearer they’ll be about your sense of judgment.” Talk to them about drugs, sex, violence, and AIDS. “The more knowledgeable they see you are, the less worried they’ll feel, and the more likely to give you more freedom.”
25. If you can’t talk to your mom, go to a friend’s mom or an older relative you trust, and ask for help in communicating with your mom. This may help your mom recognize that you take the relationship the two of you share seriously.
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